Search me, O God, and know my heart today, Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray; See if there be some wicked way in me; Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free.
This is the plea of a man who has had enough and is ready to surrender completely. See we all, at times, tend to try and “do our own thing.” Often we choose (yes, choose. Even if we may not actually realize that we are doing it) to ignore God’s plans for us. We tend to live in this unrealistic fantasy world in which we are actually in charge of everything, can make our own decisions, and not face any consequences for them. I lived in that world for a long time. I knew what God wanted, but I chose to ignore it. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and it didn’t matter one little bit that it wasn’t God’s wish for me. But see, no matter how hard I tried to deny the facts, no matter how hard I tried to deny God himself, it didn’t work. Things just got worse and worse, my life began to fall apart, I began coming apart, piece by piece until, finally, I was just an empty shell of the person I once had been (granted, that person wasn’t who I wanted to be either, really, but at least it was something). I had reached the point of emptiness where nothing mattered anymore. I was just living day by day, floating through life, waiting for that proverbial “next shoe” to drop. And, of course, it eventually did. I won’t go into the boring details, but let’s just say that it shook my life to its core. And thus began my not-so-subtle transition back into grace.
This meant giving up things. It meant giving up friendships. It meant getting rid of toxic elements in my life. But I didn’t know how. Nothing made sense. I was confused, lost, and alone. Or so I thought. One day I’d had enough. I had reached that point where I just couldn’t take any more. I was done. I had given up. I’m not talking about being suicidal. I’m talking about that point in life where I realized I had to just throw up my hands. I was at work, talking to my battle buddy, and I suddenly just lost it. I felt my mind slipping away with from reality, failing to even attempt to deal with the mess that had become my life. I had to walk outside. I found myself leaning against a wall, outside, at work, not even knowing what to do anymore. Just trying to breathe. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t see through the tears streaming down my face. And then I heard a soft, gentle voice in the back of my head saying “Be still!” I was no stranger to religion and faith. I knew exactly what that voice was. And as soon as I heard it, I was ok. A feeling of peace just washed over me, and I knew I would be ok. I didn’t know what would happen from that point, but it didn’t matter. God had reached down in my lowest of low and comforted me.. and my faith, which I had managed to completely lose along the way, was restored in that instant and I knew exactly what I had to do.
“Father, I’m sorry. I’ve been horrible. I’m ready to give up. I surrender. Whatever you want, I’ll do. Whatever you ask, I’ll give. If I don’t like it, fine. If I don’t understand, please make it clear. But I surrender to your will. I am yours. Do what you want with me. Mold me. Cleanse me… fix me. I am willing.”
For the next year my life was a series of unbelievable miracle after miracle, all leading me back to Him. I didn’t realize it at the time, of course. I didn’t put two and two together. But looking back now, it all makes sense. God was clearing my life of obstacles, things that were harmful to me, one little step at a time. He was preparing me for the life he wanted for me. All I had to do was just surrender to him, and he took care of the rest. It was almost imperceptible, but he was doing it.
Do I struggle still? Sure I do. I’m human. I have my moments where I wonder if God’s really out there, or if heaven and hell exists, or if “this faith thing” is actually legit or not. But when I think about it, when I remember everything that’s happened, I know I can’t deny any of it. I can’t deny God’s love and mercy. So that leaves only one course of action for me: continue moving forward on my walk with Him. Ask him to continue removing toxic things from my life, and lead me on the path that He has chosen for me. So far, I’d say he’s done a remarkable job. He has taken all of my mess, and cleansed it, burned it away, tempered it in His holy fire, and made me a new Man. And when I begin to feel like I’m losing touch? I just pray:
“Lord, search me. Find all these little things within me that will hurt me, all the things that are bad for me, all the things that are not a part of your will, and remove them from my life. Get them out of the way so you can fill my life with the things you want for me. Set me free from the bondage of my human nature, and do your will in my life! No matter the cost, not matter the loss, no matter what I think, thy will be done.”
And you wanna know something? Today.. I am God’s. I am happy. I am alive.. and I am free!
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